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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Will the real Jesus please send me a Jag?

I got a new mailing from Saint Matthew's Church! I tried to discourage them the first time by sending back their "we'll pay for this, just send us money" envelope with a note on the donation form telling them I wasn't interested and they shouldn't bother sending me more (it may have said "Get me off your mailing list.") But no, they sent me their special "book," their Biblical Seed Harvest Plan, which is the size and shape of a Reader's Digest and filled with stories about and letters from people who followed the seed plan: whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. I couldn't read the entire thing, it was so repetitive, so I flipped rather randomly through it. With the infrequent exception of someone who sent money to this church and asked for prayers for her or a family member's health, most of the people quoted had asked for wealth of some kind - usually homes and cars. (My favorite was the woman who asked that members of St. Matthew's pray for her to receive a Lincoln, which she now owns - presumably because God prefers to provide stylin' rides.) I'm pretty sure Gal 6:7 is meant to be Golden Rule-ish, and is not a blueprint for churches to suck money out of the desperate, old, sick, and/or stupid.

The new mailing included two different pictures of Jeebus, and Scooter thinks they're not the same person:

I think it's hard to tell, but he could be on to something. Then again, maybe Jeebus just got a body wave before the second portrait.

Two things stand out in this mailing. Someone from Virginia wrote that "Some time ago I wrote to ask you to pray for me to get a home and a, I HAVE RECEIVED THE HOUSE AND CAR...please pray for me and my family...please send me another [Biblical Seed Harvest Plan], I have used the other one up." Send me more magic wish coupons, I needs me a Harley!

And then there's this, at the top of their letter to me:

Translation: You haven't sent us any money, and we can't fathom why that is...perhaps you hate wealth? We're sending you another crappy, boring, poorly produced "book," and you should hurry up and send us money before God runs out of cash!

So I'll send back the postcard they enclosed - make 'em pay whatever the postcard postage is. They gave me space to write my first name, middle initial, and last name, in those neat little boxes, so I wrote NOT F INTERESTED. They can pray for insight into the middle initial. I look forward to my second copy of the Biblical Harvest Seed Plan.


Anonymous Chester said...

I think you should also include a photo of several of your female friends in black pointy hats sitting around a cauldron or some other similarly devil-worshipping type thing. You could write a nice note on the back of the picture saying we already have all the wealth we need, thanks to our close personal relationship with Satan.

June 01, 2005 12:28 PM  

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