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Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Magic Eye Jesus

I got a disappointing letter in the mail last week. I'd have posted about it earlier, but Scooter had to save me from the perils that inhabit our local network (damn firewall thwarted me) so I could get my scanned images of this thing onto the web.

I almost threw the whole thing away without looking at it because the envelope says "TWO HOMES ARE ABOUT TO BE BLESSED...THEN IT MUST GO TO ANOTHER DEAR FRIEND." That always means I'm going to be annoyed by some BS, so I normally chuck the mail. This time, though, I opened it. I know Jeebus must have wanted me to see the lovely portrait of him inside.

WOW! My very own prayer rug. I chose to sacrifice the crown of thorns atop his head in order to preserve the message below as much as possible, because while everyone knows about the thorns, not everyone realizes that Jesus was the inspiration for Magic Eye art. (You probably can't see it, but the instructions at the bottom tell you that when you first look into Jeebus' eyes, you'll see that they're closed, "but as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes.") Wow! Also, many people may not know that if they've been kneeling while praying, all they actually have to do is to touch a Magic Eye image to their knees and imagine the precise amount of money they want to receive, and IT WILL HAPPEN! Really! See? It worked for these people:

I noticed right away that the things for which we are encouraged to ask the Magic Eye for are the very same things about which we are in other places encouraged to call phone psychics (who also, it happens, often take prayer requests), but I tried it anyway. So I know it's all crap because this isn't in my garage yet:

Maybe the P.O. Box in Tulsa that serves as the base for St. Matthew's Churches had a premonition I wouldn't return the prayer rug with a "seed gift," and it decided not to bless me with a new car. Bastard! Ooo, or maybe I only thought I touched it to both knees, when it actually came into physical contact with only one knee. Or maybe it touched first one knee and then the other, and the knew I did it wrong! Wait, what if I didn't have knees, and could not, therefore, kneel on the rug or touch it to my knees? Would the P.O. Box discriminate against me? Maybe my seed gift, returned with the prayer rug, somehow activates the Holy Power of the P.O. Box?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe it is a flying carpet instead of a rug. Then you don't need the car. I am amazed at what you and Nod to Nothing write. It is interesting. What is my grand daughter learning. Most likly it is ok to verbalize. Where is Mom! Mom Lost!..... Oh Darn! ...

March 15, 2005 8:16 PM  

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